Today was my first day of Impact Training, it was a very difficult day in many ways but also a huge blessing in my life. I was the first one to engage, and I had no idea what was to transpire. The instructor asked me questions about myself that I found very difficult to answer. I was finally exposing my fears, and my admission of my cowardice and fears. I spoke of not being able to protect my children from their dad.
Because I was a coward, and not able to do what I knew to be right, my children had to suffer. That was very difficult to see. I also realized that I am so gullible and fall at the feet of the first man that actually shows me any attention. I wanted to believe that Craig, the guy I met yesterday, was a good and decent guy. He was in the class with us and I learned that he drinks coffee, smokes, and is a controlling person who is not happy with himself.
I learned that he has many of the issues that I have dealt with all my life. My question to myself is why do I keep being drawn to controlling men? I learned also that I trust more than I don't trust. I learned that there is no Trying in life...we either do or we don't do. Also, something is either working for us, or it is not working. If something is not working, why do we continue to do it hoping for a different result?
We chose a buddy for the rest of the training and I chose a young 21 year old girl named Emily. She had admitted earlier in our small group that she told her family that she was gay. She seemed like a very lost soul and for some reason I was drawn to her. They told us that the buddy we chose was not a coincidence, but meant to be. I know that to be true. I think it so interestng that her name is Emily.
I am nervous yet excited for tomorrow. I have learned so much about myself today, and I am anxious to break through my walls that I have built up around my heart. I want to be able to love myself again and really give the love to my kids that they are so deserving of. I love my children so much that my heart literally aches for them.
I am going to get through this, it may be hard, but I will not give up, I am willing to pay the price.
